Good Friday

I wrote a feature story for the paper about the student-run liturgy committee. The student head of liturgy says she got like 3 hours of sleep during the Triduum last year. That's intense. And basically what I tried to do was let people know the committee exists without shining a spotlight on them. They see it as a ministry and they do it out of love for God. The members that I interviewed were humble servant types, not inclined to pat themselves on the back. So I tried to write a story that respected their man-behind-the-curtain presence. One of those people is my friend Anne. She is in charge of art and environment. Basically she and her partner do their best to make the field house (a place where sweaty guys bounce a ball back and forth) look like a place of worship. It is no easy feat.

But when I walked into the Good Friday Liturgy I was dumbstruck. Nothing but the stage/altar was decorated. If I were to look at it critically I would acknowledge that the fieldhouse ambiance was still there and even the faint smell of rubber and sweat still hung in the air. But I was there to meditate on the death of Christ. So all those things faded and I saw the stage piled with bricks and stones. These natural textures and colors gave the appearance of half walled city and half rocky hillside. My favorite part of the display was the broken pots on pedestals. There wasn't a crucifix with a bloody Jesus...just huge broken vessels of clay next to a big wooden cross. It was simple and yet it communicated clearly.

The veneration of the cross during the Good Friday service is something that my previously evangelical self couldn't wrap my brain around. Why do people kiss this piece of wood that isn't really the cross? Jesus died for my sin and it's done, why do people get in line like cattle to kiss this thing. It seemed meaningless to me.

But last night I had a bit of an epiphany...

One thing I remember about being away from the Church is the spirituality of evangelicalism. It always seemed an intangible thing, my salvation. I would pray and believe that God heard me because the bible said He did. I would pray and listen for The Voice, which rarely came. I would wait for the stirring of my spirit/emotions and when they remained unmoved, I would feel defeated and incapable of these basic practices of spirituality.

I'm a sensual person and being someone who's love language is physical touch, I have often railed at God for not giving me the husband I thought I should have. I've often cried about being lonely and not having a physical person to love me. I know we're supposed to fall in love with Jesus and all that, but Jesus can't curl up on the couch with you, ya know? "It's just not the same," I'd say, shaking my fist at the ceiling.

I realized last night that this Church of mine has provided a way for me to experience God with my body. I understood this in theory but last night the understanding made a free-fall into my heart. As I stood in line (like cattle) I realized that I couldn't wait to use this body of mine to bend and venerate the cross. To feel the wood on my lips for a fraction of a second. To kneel and feel the hard gym floor on my knees. To bow as the Blessed Sacrament was brought in. To smell the incense and to see the smoke of our prayers rising to heaven. To let the physical motions of my body become acts of worship in and of themselves.

Whew...it's amazing because then my emotions come -- in their proper order -- as a by product of worship. I do not worship because I am emotionally moved to do so, I worship because God is God.

Tonight is the vigil. It is one of my favorite celebrations of the whole year. From what I've heard it's 7 hours long. It is followed by an all-night resurrection party. If I can make it, I'm brining my camera to take a picture of the sun coming up on Easter morning....

But I'm not making any promises.

We Inerrupt This Triduum With a Special Report

Bandolino Jeans are the BEST jeans ever. Before last fall I thought Bandolino only made shoes...beautiful shoes that I've always wanted to own. But I was in Macy's last fall and found that they made jeans too. And they are the best jeans ever! They fit curvy women like me without being big in the waist! That's a freakin' miracle.

Holy Thursday and the Mass of the Lord's Supper

I came home after benediction last night and my roommate was watching EWTN (bad Catholic TV.) Pope Benedict the XVI was washing feet

I never thought, after all those years dabbling in evangelicalism, that I would love liturgy. At one time these rituals of Catholicism seemed rigid and void of genuine, spontaneous worship. I have found that spontaneity is highly overrated and that the lack of it does not hinder genuine worship. In fact quite the opposite is true.

The liturgy, quite simply, is. The worship is. Neither is dependent on the abilities of the musicians or the mood lighting or the drums. It doesn't matter how "in tune with the Spirit" the worship leader is. Even my own disposition is not a factor. God is worshiped regardless. I can participate, or I can just show up and be present. What makes it different from our praise and worship nights is that the pressure is off. I don't have to worry about "getting into it" because "it" does not require "getting into." It is enjoyed more fully the more actively and consciously I participate, surely, but "it" doesn't require it.

Also, when each movement of music, or the body happens, it is for a reason. People who don't understand laugh about the standing/sitting/kneeling/sitting/kneeling. But they are each done for reasons that one can choose to remember, or not. I will never not kneel during the consecration again. (Fieldhouse liturgies being the only exception as there is barely enough room to stand sometimes.) If the parish I'm at doesn't have kneelers I will kneel on the ground. Not because I'm holy or anything but because the One who is Holy is present. At that moment I am transported in time to the foot of the cross.

Holy CRAP that is awesome!

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about some rowdy praise and worship (I am still part charismatic after all) but these days of solemn joy are not the same without the rich tradition of our rituals and their deep meaning.

After Mass was a candlelight procession that followed the Blessed Sacrament to the chapel for adoration...and then Benediction. After that, all the tabernacles in the world are empty and Good Friday begins.

Wednesday Night

Lent comes to a close with the celebration of Tenebrae, a solemn night-time prayer service. It is chanted partially in Latin and ends in darkness. I have no idea what anything means but it is beautiful. The deepest meaning and mystery of The Passion is ultimately beyond my understanding anyway. I sit and allow the beauty of the music and the smell of the incense to turn my gaze to Christ. After each song is chanted, one of the many candles is extinguished until we are in darkness.

It is the beginning of the Holy Triduum, (Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday) the highest holy days of Christianity.

The Adventures of Holy Week, Franciscan Style

Happy Holy Week Kids!

We are now entering the highest holy days of Christianity. I have heard the rumors of Holy Week at Franciscan University. I have heard that "you haven't experienced holy week until you've celebrated it at FUS." That's quite a promise. I've been excited...though it's been cautious excitement because frankly, the claims are bordering on mythical. We shall see.
So far, Palm Sunday was awesome. And right now I'm on my way to the all campus confession. Not to be confused with general absolution (I think that's what it's called ) where the priest absolves everyone in the room. A quick sign of the cross and BAM! we're absolved. But not tonight...tonight we all stand in line till there's a priest open. I sort of feel like I should have gotten in line this morning with a sleeping bag and a lawn chair. I told one of my friends that we should bring a cooler. How cool would that be...and we'd leave with no sin on our soul which is often different from other situations that involve sleeping bags, lawn chairs and coolers.

I'll let everyone know how it goes!
May your week be holy

Lost: A New Addiction

I was with some friends while they were discussing Lost season 4. Long story short, I was informed that I could watch Lost from the very beginning on ABC.com? And like a kid in the school yard I said "sure I'll try some'a that." And it's all over. I am a junkie. I have no idea what happened in what season because they're all running together. But I do know my favorite Sawyer nicknames. (and I was very upset with Sun when she told him he had to stop the nicknames for a week.)
For a long time my favorite was Captain Falafel until he called Charlie "the Munchkin."

Look what I found!

On a Happy Note

I had a snow day yesterday! And I did what every responsible college student does on a snow day.

I went SLEDDING!!!

Eternal Rest Grant Unto Her Oh Lord ...

There was an article in our school paper last week about the flu epidemic on our campus. It was somewhat tongue-n-cheek and mentioned how many classes were half empty and the Kroger decongestant shelf was completely empty. The pharmacist even said that FUS students bought them plum out of meds.

Amanda Pudvah, a senior was planning to attend a retreat this weekend but said in her Facebook status update that she wasn't going because her back and ribs were sore and she had a terrible cough...would we please pray for a speedy recovery. Sunday she woke up vomiting blood and died from complications due to pneumonia later that afternoon.

She is now more fully recovered than if she had returned to her dorm. As believers we have that hope and so we do not despair. We are consoled.

But...

death is still so wrong.

Please pray for Amanda and for the consolation of her family and friends. (even you non-Catholics)

...and let perpetual light shine upon her.

In the world

In my first media & society class my prof explained the Catholic World View (CWV) as being the 360 degree window in a revolving restaurant. That the CWV encompasses everything we face in the world. Media specifically. He explained that Catholicism sees the world from different angles; that truth is truth, no matter where it's found. And that that truth is God's truth.
I have always had a distaste for the us-and-them attitude some Christians have toward the world. I know it can be a big bad ugly world out there. I know that God's goodness is hard to find sometimes. But rather than throw in the towel and declare the world nonredeemable, and proceed to hide in whatever safe, Christian environment we have chosen for ourselves, why can't we find (seek out/hunt down/pursue) the goodness of God out in that ugly world and make it grow.
It seems Christians all over the place, Evangelical and Catholic alike, say they accept people where they're at. But there's always that caveat that says, as long as "where you're at" is within the walls of this church where we have the control...as long as someone brought you to youth group/church/Sunday school...because hell if I'm going out there to the bars/nightclubs/dungeons where you live and be exposed to your icky sinful lifestyle. Blech!
Would those Christians be the ones yelling at Jesus for speaking to tax collectors and prostitutes?
I prefer to see the true, good and beautiful wherever I can find it. I prefer to press into that line between "in" and "of" and see good things where the people, who are supposed to be salt and light, have stopped looking.

Mis Clases

So far I like my classes. But just like last semester, I'm afraid of a couple. This semester my big fear would be Spanish. Now, I got an A in Spanish last semester. Yay me, right? Well, I swear I had to go over everything I learned because I didn't remember a thing. Plus this new prof talks to us in Spanish and then expects us to respond. I'm nauseous before every class like it's my first day of kindergarten.

Then there are the writing classes that I'm happy about. Although, public affairs reporting gives me hives a bit. I've never been interested in the news. I mean, I'd like to be updated about current events in some way other than reading dry news stories. And I certainly don't want to write dry news stories. But of course this is one of those dreaded required courses associated with my area of study. I can pretty much deal. And any writing is good practice.

But the class I'm MOST excited about is my Media and Society class. At an orthodox Catholic university we get to apply the Catholic world view to every issue in the media today. I'm learning new and exciting things in my class about Catholicism and how all my doubts about coming to a place where the super-holy live were unfounded. According to my prof's lectures my ideas about interacting with the world are in line with what the Church teaches. There are so many things the prof has said that have given me goosebumps. I've bounced in my chair and pumped my fist and exclaimed, "yeeahh!" more times than I can count.

This makes me excited about being Catholic.

Plays Well With Others

After 4 years of living alone I now am sharing my living space with a roommate. I met her at the very beginning of last semester when I didn't know anyone. She and I became friends quickly and then had to say goodbye when she left for her semester in Rome. She and I kept in touch while she was there and so I knew that she hadn't figured out where to live when she got back. I, of course, need to not spend so much. Having someone share the rent while I cut back in other ways will assure that I won't starve before next year's loan arrives. This is good.

On the other hand, I will have to relearn patience with the living habits of another person. I don't anticipate any problems because Jessica is great...but she is another person who will be inhabiting what used to be My Apartment. I'm sure this will take some getting used to for both of us.

Other than the financial benefits, I will also have someone to talk to, and more importantly, I will have someone to listen to. When living alone, one tends to be much more focused on one's self. There's really no need to think about anyone else. My mess is my mess. The dishes aren't done? It's because I didn't do them. Also, when I'm alone I think about me and all my "problems," which is not even slightly productive. I'm looking forward to the distraction, actually. My problems are all consuming sometimes...but really...they're mostly just boring.

So I'm cautiously looking forward to my semester with a roommate. I think we will both grow from it and that is always a good thing.

I did it.

Dirty Dancing is On Demand. And I pushed play.
Oh yes I did.

Naps: And How They Are Beautiful

I came home from my morning class. By morning I mean 10 a.m. which isn't that bad. But I'm soooo tired right now and my next class isn't till 2:30. So I'm just gonna curl up under my blankie and snooze for a bit....why? BECAUSE I CAN! Yeah.

I've Made a List !!

And I'm actually getting stuff done! Yay me.

I must tell you that I have three (3)....count 'em three (3) writing classes this semester. Creative writing, feature writing, and public affairs reporting. I might not be writing many blog posts till May. I'll try keeping you posted on the important stuff...but seriously...I'll be writing till my fingers bleed I think. Cut me some slack, would ya?

Love you all!

I Clearly Need My Head Checked

Monday night was my last night of work before going back to school. I had 10 (now 6) glorious days of nothing-to-do. Ten days in which I would solve all the world's problems (after solving all my own,) 10 days of writing and goal-setting and blah blah blah. I don't do well with nothing-to-do. I mentioned to a friend that I hate having demands on my schedule. For instance, if I had 4 weeks of freedom to go into work when I felt like it, or not if I didn't, I'd be a happy camper. The second I see my name on what is called a "schedule" I get all resentful and mad that I have to go into work. So I've been house/dog sitting for a friend and it's been pretty fun...except that I've gotten NOTHING accomplished. I seriously want to go into work because I'm sooo bored. But there are plenty of things that aren't Crabhouse related that I wanted to do. I wanted to write...I wanted to go over the Spanish I learned so I'm prepared for next semester...I wanted to improve my prayer life...HA! I've done none of these things. So apparently I need a schedule...and apparently there has to be a threat of disciplinary action in order for me to follow it...and apparently I'm not good at disciplining myself.

So I guess my dreams of working for myself need to be adjusted a little. (or I need to be adjusted a little)

One New Year's Resolution: Learn to be disciplined. Ugggh....that's gonna hurt.

As we say goodbye to "The Holidays"

I was just reading a quick Christmas post from Meegs and she had a line from a familiar carol.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
with peace on earth good will to men.”

And I was thinking how so many carols are overlooked as cultural attachments to a "holiday season." There are Christmas carols and Hanukkah songs and I dunno, maybe there are Kwanzaa songs. So we know them as the songs we hear playing at Macy's once the 4th of July products are put away. I think we see them as part of the commercialization of Christmas. I hear "Yay! no more Christmas carols!" this time of year, every year and sometimes it's from my own mouth. But I was just thinking about how I really love certain lines from some of those songs ... lines that contain some pretty serious theology. I'm talking deep stuff, the likes of which the Barenaked Ladies have never dreamed. Let me give some examples...starting with one of my favorite Christmas medleys by the Ladies themselves with guest appearance by Sarah McLachlan.

Glorious now behold Him arise
King, and God, and Sacrifice
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Worship Him, God most high

Sacrifice is not something we like to think about when discussing Baby Jesus. Nor is it something the Barenaked Ladies typically sing about. And yet, they do so without apology. Here's another favorite of mine. I'm using the original words not the new ones that people use because they don’t understand the original. I’ll explain later.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth

That’s the most profound thing I’ve ever heard in a song. And it's right in the Cathechism of the Catholic Church. I'll explain by saying first that the way the words have been changed – “the soul felt HIS worth” – destroys the meaning and depth completely. The CCC says: “Christ, the final Adam, by the revelation of the mystery of the Father and His love, fully reveals man to himself and makes his supreme calling clear” It is Christ who reveals to us, our own worth. And you’ve probably heard it a million times in the last month. But wait there’s more from that song:

Chains shall he break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Or this song:

Mild he lay his glory by
Born that men no more may die
Born to raise the sons of earth
Born to give them second birth

There’s some heavy meaning in some of those over-played songs. Maybe we should consider the catechesis that occurs subliminally during Christmas shopping before we bash the capitalistic system that has taken Christ out of XMas. Maybe he's not that far away.

Maybe I should have thought to post this a month ago. I'd hate for you to drag out your Andy Williams Christmas album when you just put it away.

May you all have a Happy New Year!

I Can't Believe it's Over!!

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! My mom and I went to brunch at 10:00, listened to Josh Groban and then watched the Cold Case marathon on TNT. Then I went to bed. Pretty boring on this end, but I had a nice time with my mom.

Now I'm dog sitting for my friend Jane. He's a great big dog who acts like a puppy and follows me around the house. I got up for a coffee refill and he came along. It's annoyingly cute. I get irritated but I haven't been followed around by a cute boy in a while. It's nice to have someone (or somedog) say by their actions, "I really want to be around you." So ya kina gotta love it.

Dear Well-meaning Christians,

Meegs has two awesome posts on her blog. One from yesterday and one from today.

I want to point out that today's post is brought to you by yesterday's post. Filled with sarcasm (fabulous wit) and doubt, Meegs laid out her soul yesterday. She embraced her doubt and wrestled with it...and God, and today, produced a profound insight into her own struggle, which I'm sure is shared with half the Christian world (if they're willing to face it.)

If you are a Christian who can't stand to see someone struggle with their faith without putting in your two sense, please wait. Wait to see if the struggle produces something beautiful before you try to ease it. (BTW....that might take years)

Am I wrong?

As the Office du Tourisme de Paris recovers from our last little war against popular fiction and Hollywood, we find ourselves embroiled in yet another cultural debate. Enter Philip Pullman and his "Golden Compass."
If you haven't heard, the movie is based on the first book in a trilogy called "His Dark Materials." Word on the street is that Pullman is a militant atheist who is bent on "bashing Christianity and promoting atheism." So says the opposition. I do not jump on bandwagons, but let us, for simplicity's sake, assume this is correct. (I believe it is...I did some poking around and all evidence points to it.)

I am, frustrated that believers are so....so...fearful. Why is it that Christians shy away from informing themselves? Say someone you know sees The Golden Compass. Say that person is not a Christian and wants to enter into a discussion about it. What are you going to say... I didn't see it because it differs from my belief system? It's a horrible movie by the Big Bad Atheist? So then that person is left alone with his impressions of the movie, and what could have been an opportunity to evangelize has instead, confirmed the opinion that Christians are narrow-minded and expect you to believe what they say simply because they said it. (or because the "bible says so")

As a Christian, I believe certain things. I believe those things to be true, good, and beautiful. I want to share those things with people who may have opposite beliefs. How can I do that if I don't allow myself exposure to opposing points of view.


I don't know if I'm going to see it or not. I'm not in favor of giving my money to diabolical anti-Christian movements. But I know the more the Church opposes it, the more people who want to thumb their nose in that direction will want to see it. And I know that we are much more equipped to engage in debate when we understand both sides of an argument. So what to do? I don't know. It's more complicated than a boycott I think.

Disclaimer:
I would not recommend this movie or these books for kids.
I would not recommend this movie or these books for people who think whatever appears on the big screen is real (critical thinking is a must here folks!!)

Say It Ain't So !!!

I am very sad today. I can no longer consider myself a Chicagoan. I have an Ohio driver's license...and Ohio plates. I am now officially a resident of Mordor. A place where plumes of acrid steam billow from smoke stacks on every horizon. A place where DMV employees say Ohiah and Illinoize. And a place where the most popular eating establishment is called Spanky's.

Shoot me please

Thanksgiving: Disfunction Revisited

Here's the emotional post I never put up. I was yelled at by one Lisa Zell. (her fabulous blog can be found by following the link on my blogroll) She told me to post this even though it's kinda old news.

This is the fourth time I've written this post. I don't know where to focus this discussion of my screwed up relationship with my mother. Quite honestly, I feel like an orphan.

I love my mother. Yet she makes my constant, dull sense of loneliness more acute. I can go on to complain about all the adolescent emotions she provokes in me but I'll spare you. What I see is a future of caring for my mother alone. I've never felt more like a "lonely only" than I do right now. I feel an overwhelming, and almost oppressive, sense of responsibility. And I feel so selfish because I can't seem to get over the hurt. I practically threw her onto the plane Sunday -- I couldn't be with her anymore.

As a Catholic, I believe in the redemptive power of suffering. It is a beautiful concept that gives purpose to our pain. But I am literally on my couch crying in horror at the idea that my redemption will come through this loneliness...and that it will last the length of my life.

First Dance

I was going to post a bunch of previously drafted messages about my Thanksgiving with my mom. They were a little emotional and since I waited so long to get them up here, they are no longer timely. Instead, I'm putting up this video. It's light and sweet and will touch your heart....hehehe. So awesome.

glumbert - Best wedding first dance ever

The Hills

Can someone please explain Mtv's show The Hills. Is it a reality show? Is it scripted? I can't believe writers would sit around writing all those "likes" and "whaaatt???s" I just watched about 2 minutes of it and was totally confused...and bored with the lack of interesting conversation. Then i googled it and there was this talk show video where an audience, two hosts and several groups of people via satellite were talking about one episode like they were real people just living their lives going to Hollywood parties. So weird.

AGAIN!?!?!?!

Didn't we just got through the democratic process, like last week? I mean I swear I was complaining about politics just the other day. As I go through the archives of my blog I realize it was last year but whatever.

So here we go again. While we're not voting till next November, I have to stomach all the presidential campaigns now. And for a whole year.

I really don't want to deal with it.

It's DONE !!!

That's all I have to say about that.

Next time I say, "I can't wait to write a paper"...just shoot me.

I am writing my big research paper today. Guess how come! Oh c'mon guess!

Because it's due tomorrow!

I've had my sources forever. I've been going over them all and doing the research from the beginning. But it's the writing of the paper that gets the grade. I really don't think my body knows how to write a paper without the overwhelming pressure of knowing it's due tomorrow.

I'm signing off till this paper gets handed in.

Don't Listen to the "Experts"

A couple years ago I went with Lori to Xsport to workout with her. I got the tour from one of the hard-sell buff guys so I wouldn't have to pay the fee. (remind me that sometimes it's worth the money) So this huge body builder type asks me if I exercise. I asked if being on your feet for 30+ hours a week counts as exercise. Before I could get the question out he responded with a rather forceful, "NO!" I was dismayed to think that all that time running around for extra oil and garlic wasn't doing me a damn bit of good.

Well, I wish I could go find that punk kid and tell him where he could put his free-weights. I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that three months of sitting in class, sitting on my couch, sitting in a chair at the library, sitting and typing papers has officially put me back to the weight I was hoping to never see again. I have always had weeks where my tummy was a little bit bigger because I went out to eat too many times but the extra weight never reached my face. Well, my face is showing the weight gain now. And with my big fluffy hair I'm starting to look like Aslan. (and not in a majestic, noble and wise way if you know what I mean.)

I am in the depths of despair.

Things to remember:

• This is within my power to change.
• If I lost it once I can lose it again.

Things that scare me:

• Overcoming addiction takes tremendous strength
• I don't feel so strong right now.

AGGGRRRHHH!!!!

Confirmation or a Carrot?

As many of you know, I'm here in Ohio. I moved to this town of Steubenville, not because I've always wanted to live in the Ohio River Valley where the air is so filled with pollutants from the many local steel mills and power plants that your lungs burn in your chest in the morning, but because Franciscan University of Steubenville is here. I'm here to get a degree in communications and hopefully learn how to write books. I came believing that this is where God wanted me.

It seems as though he is putting my often microscopic faith in Him to the test. I have, to this point, failed to acquire the necessary loans to continue in the spring. I do have an appointment with financial aid tomorrow (today) so that may make my entire post moot. But lets assume my appointment won't solve my problem...at least immediately.

I have been reminding God, with shaking fist to the heavens, that He's the one who brought me here. I'm also mentioning (in case He forgot) that he owns all the money in the whole wide world and that I only need a little bitty bit. Not to mention that I will be paying that money back by working very hard and using my degree. It's not like I'm asking for free handouts or anything.

Anyway, after my nice long weekend I was told about an extra-credit op. for my media class. I was to go see Regina Doman, an FUS grad, speak about how her communications degree helped her write her books and get them published.

UM...HELLO! That's exactly what I want to do. So I went to hear her speak. She is soo exactly what I want to be. I was having such an adrenaline rush my hand was shaking and I could hardly take notes.

So I took the whole thing back to God and said, "This feels like confirmation that you're going to work the whole thing out." But I've gotten "confirmation" from you before and I was clearly wrong. SO....are you dangling that proverbial carrot again?" As usual He was silent. (and I was quiet for a long time...waiting for the voice...which I never ever get.)

So we'll see how my meeting goes tomorrow (today).

I have hope, as always. And I feel so stupid for trusting God...but I do. I have to believe that it can't all depend on my finite understanding. If it did, then God is mean and sadistic. And he can't be...he can't be. He is good. He just has to be.

Hang on...

...I want to try something. I thought I had to upload to YouTube first. Maybe I can just copy and past it from my hard drive. This next video doesn't have a Tina Dennelly oscar winning sign-language performance but it has better waves. Let's see if it works.




YouTube works better. I think blogger takes too long to approve it or something because the little video box was there but it said the video was unavailable. Whatever.

My Fall Break

This past weekend was my 4-day Fall break and I took a drive out to Long Island to see Tina and her family. I had a great time relaxing and enjoying her company. Her husband Terry, after a full week of work, was a saint and watched their kids, Tess 3 1/2 and Peter, 1 1/2, while Tina and I drove out to Montauk to see the lighthouse. It was, unfortunately the day the island was being hit with the tail end of a hurricane. I've seen many oceans but in all my life I've never seen waves like these. As the video will show, it wasn't a pretty day. But I still love the ocean. It's ability to provide a beautiful turquoise place of rest, like I saw in Hawaii in May, and it's ability to kill you if you fail to treat it with respect, make me love it in the same way I love men. Someone asked me once what my favorite body of water was and I said the ocean. Then she asked me why...and I told her the same reasons I mentioned above. Then she giggled and said that supposedly one's favorite body of water was a representation of one's view of sex. I don't know if that's true or not but I find it interesting, nevertheless.

Anyway, here's some footage from the adventure. Tina started to talk and I told her the wind was too loud...so she resorted to sign-language.

For Your Viewing Pleasure...and Spiritual Uplift-ment

I had to write an essay on this short film for my mass media class. I think it would be meaningful to any Christian, although, if you weren't raised Catholic, you might not get that that big brass thing with the sunburst is a monstrance. Jesus is in there.

JESUS IN THE STREETS OF NEW YORK

I wish...

...they would put the nutritional information for the entire bag of Terra chips (or pint of Ben & Jerry's) instead of listing it per serving. You know, for when you've had one of those days and don't feel like doing the math yourself.

Like The Old Days

I have had a fabulous weekend kickin' it old school with Lisa Zell (Grover). By old school I mean lots of sitting on the couch in comfy pants, watching Felicity/Alias, and surfing the net together with my new wireless router.*

Yesterday we drove to Robinson to get us some Cracker Barrel and then went to campus to take some pictures but then came straight home to park our asses on the couch some more.

It's been lovely. Really.


*My router is a new addition (as are laptop computers) and clearly cannot be considered old school...but whatever.

Shameless Advertisment

I will be an Erickson Community advocate forever. As I've said before, my mother has a better social life than I do. You may not have believed me then.
Here's your proof!

BTW...

That test I didn't study for? I got a B. Now I'm worrying about my Spanish test...for which I studied 7 hrs. She wanted me to write paragraphs. It's chapter 2!! Wtf?

I'll Dedicate my Book To You If...

...you help me come up with a story.

I've been meeting with the university's career counselor every couple of weeks or so. I have my meeting with her this Thursday. She gave me homework, of sorts, to complete before our meeting and I haven't done it. This is where you can all help me.

She and I have been discussing some of my writing goals and I told her that I'd love to write a novel with good Christian values but that wouldn't be classified as "Christian fiction." She asked what kind of story I'd like to write...what my novel would be about. I told her I had no idea and that that was my main problem.

My homework was to have a little get-together with the girls and have a plot-brainstorming party. Well the problem is that I don't feel comfortable taking them away from their studies with midterms being this week and next.

So I thought I'd send up a flare and ask my girls from home to help instead. Let's brainstorm here in cyberspace.

Tell me ladies...what's my book about?!?!?!

Learning about myself

I must confess that I totally blew off a test this week. My first test in News Reporting was really easy for me and I really enjoyed studying for it. But I seem to have mistaken "enjoyed studying" for "didn't study" because I barely picked up my notes for this one. I don't think I did very well at all.

God knew what he was doing!

Yeah. I hit enter after writing the title. So those of you who were waiting with baited breath for my next post got to see nothing but the title. Ooops!

So as I was saying...

Weekends are God's greatest invention. (next to hot men of course)

It's Friday afternoon and I'm gonna sit on my ass and watch a long run of America's Next Top Model (my guilty pleasure) and then go to a cookout tonight. Then I'm gonna sit on my ass some more tomorrow (and maybe study some) and go to our university's monthly Festival of Praise (where us Catholics get to stand in a big field house and sing songs projected on a big screen like a bunch of evangelicals.) Then on Sunday a bunch of us GNTers (that's Grad/Non-Traditional) are going to a winery and drink some yummy wine and eat cheese and crackers.

And what makes this all so fun is that I did all (well most) of my studying during the week at school so I'm home free.

Franciscan University of Steubenville

Here is the shot I see on my way home everyday. I love it here. The hills are the best. But I walked to class on Monday and I thought I was going to die. I live in a neighborhood on a huge hill and the university is on a different huge hill. It was a work-out let me tell you.

My Apartment.

As I promised I'm posting some photos of my place. I think I'm going to go run out and take some shots of the campus. There's a really great view of the steeple from the parking lot and late afternoon is the best time to take it since the sun is in just the right place.

Anyway, here's my cute kitchen, my living room and my bedroom.

Sorry this post is kind of a hodge podge...I have to get to campus...good sun and all.

Distractions from Studying

OMG! I have much studying to do! I guess I'll be posting more as a way of procrastinating. Though, I must say that I love having homework. I would come home from the crabhouse and having nothing worthwhile to do. I'm sure that in two months I'll wish I had nothing to do at home but right now studying give me a sense of purpose. And I really love learning.

I wish I had more time to study my Photoshop Bible. I bought it with my Border's gift card. I checked all the reviews and it seemed this big ass book was the best for beginners as well as those with a little more experience. If I could get my work done (study for three tests and write a five page paper and read read read) by Saturday night I might use Sunday as Photoshop day. That would be awesome! There are some great campus shots I'd love to capture. I'm going to take a Summer shot, and Autumn shot and a Winter shot.

Also, I was just reminded that you folks haven't seen what my apartment looks like now that I'm settled. I'll have to get that to you too. Hang on...maybe I'll do that now.

Stay tuned

Syllabi and why they make me happy....

I truly get almost giddy (on the inside) when that syllabus is headed my way down the row. I would jump around in my seat and make quick hand clapping motions with my hands if I wasn't going to be looked at funny.

Maybe it's the hope of a new beginning. A fresh start. There's no backtracking and making up for yesterday. Your past grades don't matter here. It all starts....right now...here's a syllabus.

I also like to know what's expected of me. I like to know that in two weeks there's a Spanish exam on Chapter 1. And that this paper that's due on September 20th is worth 20% of my grade. That's very important stuff to know when you've got two Cubs games and Pittsburgh's Irish Fest in one weekend.

The class syllabus can give some insight into the professor as well. Undoubtedly, Professor Whoever will highlight some key points in the syllabus. If he says cutesy little self-deprecating things about it, whether they're funny or not, you know he doesn't take himself too seriously. This is good. If he treats the syllabus like it's on the short list for the Pulitzer, then you know you're in trouble.

Of course the final reason for loving syllabi the way I do is the portion entitled "Objectives." This section outlines the goals of the class and lists the things that you'll learn. It answers that age old question.

"Why the hell am I here?"

24 hr Super-Duper WalMarts and other joys

Hungry, and worried we'd be eating Cheez-its for dinner, Lori and I trolled the Ohio River Valley for someplace that was still open for a late late dinner. We'd just returned to town from our trip to PA for a movie. Which was pretty cool. We had about a 45 minute drive through beautiful countryside to Washington, PA because the Hollywood Somthin' Somthin' Theatre was the only one still showing Transformers.

Anyway, we drove toward the mall hoping something was open. We found an A&W next to the WalMart. Now where I come from, WalMarts close at 10:00 so that option never occurred to me. But then we witnessed the strangest oddity...a man walking into the WalMart with a strange sense of confidence. He did not pause at the door searching for the hours of operation sign...no he did not! With head held high he went at the automatic doors as though he knew...deep in his soul knew they would open.

After witnessing such audacious confidence we approached the door (with no such certainty) and saw no sign telling us to turn around. Then with caution, we walked through the doors and, standing there, as though he wasn't going home anytime soon, stood our WalMart greeter and cart bequeath-er. Lori, asked a simple question...why I hadn't thought to ask I don't know. "are you open 24 hrs?"

The answer was simple...and yet so life altering.

"yep...and this is the best time to shop because everything is real fresh"

Fresh? How can cleaning supplies/clothes/storage bins be "fresh?"

Two more steps and I was able to behold a large grocery store sharing space with my 24 hr. crack-house for shopping addicts.

Life is good.

Moving Misery

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I haven't finished packing. I've got little bits of crap all over the place that have no category and therefore no "official" box. I suppose I could make a "bits of crap" box. But it looks so messy around here and I have many many trips to the garbage can which is 4 floors down. Ugh!!

I'm outta here....

...as soon as I run a thousand errands; pack more; go out to dinner with Ginge tonight; pack more; get a massage; pack more; do laundry; pack more; do more laundry; and pack.

I'm so tired and stressed, but also excited. I can't wait to settle into a new place in a new town and go to school. I know this sounds silly but I can't wait to write a paper and learn Elementary Spanish. I've got a bit of a head start in Spanish with all I learned on Sesame Street. (yay!)

I worked my last shift last night and I thought for sure I'd be sad. I wasn't. It did feel weird that my name wasn't on this week's schedule and I did have a bit of frustration when I realized I'd lost all my seniority. But I'm sooo over it.

I was on my way home with Lori and mentioned that I was experiencing a little bit of sadness about He- Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He and I had some very comfortable and friendly banter at the beginning of the shift and then at the end of it he just left. He might help me load the UHaul but I'm not putting money on it. He's very good at making promises.

Ok enough about that.

I'm looking forward to the road trip with Lori. We have both our iPods and we're ready. Everybody please pray that we can drive the UHaul with my car behind it without getting ourselves killed.

Thank you all for your love and support. I'll miss you LOTS!!

Where ah stay

(i got my titles back)

This is the house I'll be living in when I get to Ohio. I will inhabit the second floor as well as the finished attic. I'm a little giddy about having that attic space. It's a little Virginia Wolf "room of her own" wherein I will spend hours writing and driving myself insane.

I will send photos of the inside when I get there and I will show progress reports as I make the place my own.

I have to say, as much as I'm freaked out about moving out of state all by my lonesome, I am getting a bit excited as well.

Who doesn't love a clean slate?

Life: shakin' it up!

I've listened to enough motivational speakers in the last six years to know one thing: When life becomes unacceptable...change it. I could probably list all the catchy phrases they use to make ordinary men and women face their fear and do the extraordinary. Things like, "If it's going to be, it's up to me!!!" But I had to dig through some cobwebs to get that one. Trust me...there are millions more.

Life doesn't just happen the way you want it to. I've seen people let life hit them as it goes by and frankly they're not so happy. I'm tired of whining about my life. I never wanted to be a whiner and I found that I'd become one...a great BIG one at that.

So I've decided to make a change...a great BIG one. Most of you know it all already but I will be leaving the Chicago area for the first time in my life and moving to Ohio. I will be attending the Franciscan University of Steubenville as a non-traditional under-graduate student of journalism.

And even more exciting...I will most likely be spending the spring semester abroad at the university's campus in Gaming Austria

The hills are alive, kids. The hills are f'ing alive!

Note to self...

...when traveling with anyone else, there is drama. (and that's all I have to say about that)

These are my travel companions. From left to right we have Craig (Jim's resident friend), Tim (friend of Jim's from Park Ridge) and Jim (himself)

Beauty can push through destruction.

We did climb around a big ass lava flow. This photo is of a Lehua bush. I tried to capture this shot to show how, in the middle of an enormous desolate lava field, this bush pushed its way through the lava and is blooming. Smack in the middle of a wasteland, life goes on. Very poetic if you ask me.

More photos

Aloha kids!

I've got more photos for y'all.
Yesterday we went to Volcanoes National Park and saw some amazing stuff. We hiked a good way to get to these petragliphs.

Craig said he thought the ancient Hawaiians needed to go to art class. Frankly, there's a lot of things the ancient Hawaiians did that were very Blair Witchy to me...piles of rocks all over the place...rickety twig structures with piles of rocks on them...very creepy.

I thought the petragliphs were pretty cool but by the end of the hike I was sunburned and exhausted. By the time we got to the end of the road, where we would, then, have to hike another 4.5 miles over lava rock to see the actual lava flowing, we were all like, "Screw you guys...we're going home." So I didn't get to see the glowing lava hitting the ocean. Oh well...next trip.

I'm a budding film-maker!

I have posted a short video on YouTube. The search tag you use is "dancingtim" and the title of the clip is "Aloha Tim"

Spielberg watch out! Oh...another photo for you guys.




This is Turtle Bay Resort...we were trespassing. (heehee)

Aloha from Oahu!

So here I am in Hawaii. It's OK I guess.

Here's a photo of a boring sunrise. ZZZzzzz. I'm trying to be strong. It is hard to cope sometimes.

No but seriously...Hawaii is a different place than anywhere I've ever been. It's enchanting.

Don't be too jealous. I wish you were all here with me.

More photos to follow.

Aloha!

Well kids, I'm off to Hawaii! I have worked so much this weekend all I want to do is sleep but I have to pack and take my mom out for her mother's day/birthday lunch. I will try to blog from the islands but I don't know if I'll have internet access.

I have one quick Restaurant Etiquette entry:

• If you've waited two hours for a table on the busiest day of the year, please do YOURSELF a favor and order something other than fried shrimp.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Restaurant Etiquette Part II

• Don't bitch about prices. If you prefer to spend $9.99 on a bottle of wine, then stop at Osco on the way home and shut the hell up. I don't set the prices so either order the damn wine or get a glass of water.
• Please don't ask me for 3 samples of wine so you can get a free "glass" before you actually choose one to pay for.
• It is not my job to keep your soup warm while you're on the phone.
• Don't ask for a table for 10 when only 5 of you are staying to eat.
  

I swear some days I don't know how I do what I do.

My Mother is a Ham

Hey everyone. Go check out my nationally acclaimed mother. She just can't stay away from those cameras.

Just click to launch the video on the right side of the screen. There she'll be in all her glory.

Talk about a salesman!!

So, many of you know my friend Jim. He's a salesman. He could sell ice to an Eskimo. So at 12:30am Thursday morning I get a text message from him asking if I want to go to Hawaii in six weeks. My first reaction is like, "hahahaha...right." Then he throws in that he's springing for lodging and all I have to do is pay for air-fare.

So about 18 hrs. after that damn text message, he's using his credit card to book my flight. I won't have much free time till then as I must work work work. But I know I can swing it.

The thought has occurred to me that if I can come up with the money for this trip and still pay my monthly expenses, then there's no reason I don't have a savings account.

Where the hell is all my money going!?

eeek! I'm going to Hawaii!! YAY!!!

Things I wish they told me

Meegs has a great post on her blog about what kind of difference being a Christian should make in someone's life.

She begins by asking if, for example, she was accepted into the graduate program of her choice because she is a Christian who prayed. Did she pray properly? Is God a God of slot machines wherein you insert your nickel prayer and pull hoping for the three cherries to line up?

I can't tell you the number of youth rallies and conferences and retreat talks I've heard where the speaker gave some stirring testimony (that made us all cry) where God pulled all these strings and BAM!! "I got exactly what I wanted" and "isn't God fabulous!?"

The problem with that is, it doesn't explain why there have been no such strings pulled in my life. I'm not complaining, but as a young impressionable new believer, after hearing such talks, I expected my life to be filled with unexplainable, supernatural experiences that would bring constant joy and peace.

Frankly, that's all a load of crap but I'm fucking pissed off that at age 36 I'm still feeling kinda wounded that God doesn't love me enough to fill my life with miracles. I wish I had let go of some of that hope a little sooner. I don't want to be bitter but I tend to believe the best about people. And God. When a human disappoints me I can bounce back pretty nicely. But when I've been led to believe, in an emotionally charged environment (ie. rallies, conferences and retreats) that God is a God of miracles, I don't bounce back so easily when I don't see the fireworks I was promised.

If only some conference speaker would have warned me that life really really sucks sometimes and seems void of all things joyful, peaceful, and miraculous. And that God is in that...and that's the miracle.

And I've learned that God doesn't need to answer to me. And it's weird but I'm comforted by that.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm hanging on to the reins of life while my horse gallops out of control. Is it possible that God's got reins that override mine?

Shit, I hope so.

Someone remind me...

that when I sit at home all day and do nothing but "relax" I wind up feeling lethargic and depressed.

Thanks :)

I love my charming vintage apartment

My toilette just overflowed and all I did was pee and wipe twice. Yay me!!

Chinese New Year Resolution...and I'm even late for that!

I resolve to....

• not be manipulated.
• not allow my friends to treat me with disrespect simply because they're my friends.
• to love my enemies...even if they shake their empty cup at me.
• to love my life even if there are things that I hope for that don't seem possible.
• to be a agent of peace in the world...even when people have waited 40 minutes for a table and didn't sit down in time for the early bird special and they're mad at me about it.
• have healthy boundaries.
• love from a distance if I have to. (this might be a good time to start praying again.)
  

Brief Update with no detail

Well it's been a while, kids. Life is a challenge right now. Not just in one area but in every area. I'm at the point right now where I want to move up to the North Woods and live in Bud-n-Sue's little cabin in the woods and poop in a bucket for a month. (they shut off the water in winter)

Either that or get me some serious meds.

I will go into detail at another time but I will say this...

Those of you who have expressed concern were right...

you were fucking right.

I retract my statement

OK. I'm mentally challenged. It seems the lawns all around my neighborhood are still covered with snow. The offending, snow-less lawn is the five feet of grass outside my building. I don't know why there's no snow on it but it was so startling that I threw all the lawns in the Midwest into a sweeping generalization. Consider this my apology to all the lawns who have appropriate amounts of snow on them.

Here's another photo I liked from the bunch. Not for its unique perspective or it's stunning composition but for it's forlorn cuteness.

Look at the little tilting tree. Isn't it sweet?

someone help me understand

I was walking from my car to my building today and I noticed that there was hardly any snow on the ground.

As I recall, it snowed somthin' fierce on Tuesday. I know this because I took my new camera out in the weather to look at the pretty snow and capture some shots. (The above being my favorite.)

Anyway, I also recall that it's been f'ing cold as hell all week. So where'd all that snow go?

It didn't melt. The city doesn't usually plow the grass. Someone help me out here.

Restaurant Etiquette Part I

I did not start this blog as a vehicle to complain about my experiences waiting tables. There are some awesome waiter blogs out there (waiter rant being my favorite) and I've never wanted to compete with them.

But I have just a few things for people to keep in mind....(and by "people" I mean everyone other than the 4 people who read my blog.)

• If you've waited an hour and a half for a table then it probably means the restaurant is busy...consequently, your server will be busy. And it is probable that he or she has other guests in his or her care. So this is a good time to remind yourself that you are not the center of the universe.
• If your drink is empty, shaking your ice around in the glass 6 inches off the table as your server walks by is never a good idea. Please refer to the Please and Thank You chapters of your kindergarten textbooks.
• If your server makes a mistake it's because he or she is human and not because they were really hoping to ruin your night. The more you bitch about it the more your server retracts their initially sincere apology.
• If you enjoy making servers stay late while you refuse to pay the check you are pathetic and should consider a less passive aggressive hobby.
• If your server comes to the table with their hands full but they forgot your cocktail sauce, chances are they didn't forget, they just left their extra set of arms at home that day. Keep your mouth shut and give them a chance to come back with it.

Thanks for letting me vent kids!

Still in the land of the living

...but barely.

I've been parked on the couch for 4 days...today makes 5. I was going to call in extra for the dinner shift but I didn't want to leave my couch. I'm bored out of my mind; I feel cloudy in the head from lack of fresh air; I feel lonely and destined to live out my days knowing that, if, in the middle of the night, I should require emergency medical attention, i will die.

I think the only reason I went to the doctor was because last time I had bronchitis I thought I was going to choke on my own phlegm in my sleep. But he gave me some very nice cough syrup and a doctor's note stating that I was, in fact, sick with something other than a hangover for those folks at work who don't trust Saturday morning sick calls.

All I want to do is sleep on my couch and watch TLC all day. And since I've done that very thing for the past four days (with a little review of Alias season 4 thrown in) I'm guessing I'm in a bit of a depression.

Ah well, not to worry...I have a double tomorrow. And I bet it'll be the greatest double of my life. It'll be good to get out and actually use my slightly atrophied body .

Oh why does the thought of going to work make me cringe? I think I'm going to work on my book a bit today. I need another life option. Maybe that's why I'm depressed.

Hmmm....

Heavy sigh....

It's the new year. I don't even know what to say. I've done some introspection but really I'm just fried. Here are some resolutions I've been toying with.

1) Learn the names of all the Latinos at work. It's really hard to learn someone's name when you can't have a conversation with them. I think I must remember names based on what I learn about them in conversation. I don't speak Spanish so I don't know all their names. That makes me feel bad. They work so hard to make my job easier and I haven't learned their names. Shame on me.

2) I have a whole pack of smokes left. I'm not even looking forward to smoking it. My lungs hurt. So I might quit smoking. But, there are some people who don't smoke who are getting all excited about the opportunity to tsk tsk me when I do (sadly none of them read this blog) I wish I could tell them to remember, it's not about what they want, or what I want, it's about what my body requires. It currently requires nicotine. It will take a tremendous amount of will power and God's grace to kick the habit. It will NOT require a whole lot of nagging. Thank you very much.

3) I will write everyday. I will do something that I hate doing. Practice. I hated practicing the flute in 4th grade. I hated practicing guitar in 7th. I hate practicing. I want the results without the work. This is my greatest weakness. It's time I start working on it. I don't want to be a server forever.

4) I think 3 resolutions is enough.

An Inconvenient Agenda

I had a short conversation with a guy at work regarding the Al Gore documentary An Inconvenient Truth. I'd seen Al on Oprah for about 30 seconds but other than that I don't know much about the film. So this friend comes into work talking about how he saw the movie and how scary it all is. All I said in response is, "I'm not buyin' it." "YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING?!?!?!!!" The look on his face was like I just said I didn't believe in traffic lights.

His overreaction makes me even less interested in seeing it. I'm not an activist about anything really. I think there are so, so many things wrong with this world that I have a hard time picking just one. And I'm just a little suspicious of those who can pick just one. There has to be some ulterior motive involved. I mean bringing global warming to a screeching halt by using better light bulbs? (that's the part I saw on Oprah) I'm just not buying it.

So I finally saw a preview for An Inconvenient Truth. It actually sounds kind of fascinating. I like geography and geology and natural disaster movies. I might just rent it for entertainment value...in the Discovery Channel sort of way. But one thing Al said in that preview revealed his ulterior motive.

I think his line went something like this. "Should we be spending so much money/time fighting terrorists or should we focus on global warming."

Hmm Al, that's a good question. Let's see...who gets to decide if this country should fight terrorist? Um...uh...hmmm...oh I got it! The president!!! Oh yeah...give me a gold star! Now...who's our current president?? This one's a little tougher...let me think.....................................................OH!!! It's George W. Bush!! Do I get another star? Oh and one more thing. Who kicked your ass in the campaign for that esteemed position in our government? Could that be George Bush as well? Me thinks so. Geriatric Floridians aside, he won the election. Al, you must be pissed off about that huh?

Here's the thing. I'm not a big fan of Dubya anymore either. And I'm not against altering our current goings on on this planet to prevent it's early destruction. But I'm not going to watch An Inconvenient Truth and see it as anything more than reactionary liberal propaganda.

I am more afraid when I watch movies like Hotel Rwanda, Lord of War, Babel (not that I've seen it yet), Blood Diamond (ditto). What good is saving the planet if it will filled with greed and hatred. I'd rather see our leaders work on human relations. Our families need help. Our country, our world and it's citizens.

If the planet is going to implode in 100 years because we use too much AquaNet then I'd rather see it go out on a good note, with the crown of God's creation, human life, being the thing we value above all things.

Mind numbing fun

I seriously love YouTube. I followed Lisa's link to the Neil Patrick Harris rendition of
Confrontation from Les Mis and now I'm learning all kinds of cool stuff about fighting celebs and such.
Kelly's mad at Clay. Rosie's mad at Kelly.
Kelly's mad at Rosie. And everyone with a soul is mad at Michael Richards. This is the coolest site.

Oh, and did I mention that I love href?

Helloooo!

I haven't been here in a long time. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I did. I went to the Grover's (Tom and Lisa's) and ate my weight in turkey and honey baked ham and pork sausage stuffing and mashed taters and home made pies and to top it all off, coffee with mint mocha creamer . We played Catch Phrase with waay too many people and had a blast.

I want to list some things for witch I am infinitely grateful...

• My mom...who always loves me
• My friends...who make me laugh and think and grow
  
• My job...that pays my bills
• My hopes and dreams...even if they seem to hide from me and make me cry a lot
• My faith...even if it seems to hide from me and makes me cry a lot.
• My God...even if He seems to hide from me and makes me cry a lot.
• My apartment...even though my shower doesn't work very well and my closets randomly smell like sewage.

That's just a tiny list and there are many sub-lists. I can't wait to enjoy this Christmas season with all of you.

Update: 11:35pm

I wrote the above before I left to see a movie with Meegs and Lori. I have a new addition to my Thanksgiving list.

• Daniel Craig...who...well...mmm.
  

Totally cool

Dood! Lara Flyn Boyle, covered in post mortum gooiness, just crawled out of the instantly mummified, aforementioned creepy chubby woman. Sweeeet.

I do love gory stuff sometimes.

Type casting

Poltergiest III has that short little chubby woman with the high pitched Southern accent. She is still creepy. Who is she? Could she ever do any other role besides "creepy woman?" I doubt it.

This surfer needs some techy help

So I downloaded this new fancy version of Internet Explorer about a month ago. They (the elusive "they") "recomended" it. Since then my browser freezes about once and hour and I have to end program. I did a virus scan on my 'puter and it's clean according to my anti-virus softwear. So now what? Anyone know how I can go back to the good 'ol days of non-fancy surfing? Or can I contact someone at Windows and encourage them to get their poop in a group? (anyone have a number?)

Help me...I'm computer challenged!

Ah...to be 18 again

I'm watching Dr. Phil and there's this couple who met on SugarDaddy.com. The guy is a 40 yr old widower and his girlfriend is 18. He is concerned that she's just after his money (ya think?)and his friend is hilariously obnoxious about her and her intentions for his 40 year old friend. She claims, with tears streaming down her face, that Mr. Rich guy is her soulmate and that she "believes in God" and that marriage is for life and that Mr. Obnoxious Friend is being unfair and cruel.

Dr. Phil is being generous when he says that he doesn't think it's impossible for a relationship that began on SugarDaddy.com to become something meaningful. But he also brought up the fact that Little Miss 18 may not have the life experience necessary to deal with the world view of a 40 year old...not to mention a man who's lost a wife to terminal illness. (as an aside, she told Mr. 40 that he had to get rid of all the pictures of his late wife.)

She's reacting to this line of reasoning like I used to react to my parents telling me that I couldn't wear make-up till I was in high school. They said it was for my own good and that I would understand when I was older. I swore up and down (in so many words, and in my jr. high way) that I knew all there was to know and that they were unjustly excercising their authority in order to make themselves feel like good parents. And I wasn't going to stand for it!!!

This girl needs to hit 30 ...hell, 25...and come to understand, like all of us have, that she doesn't know jack shit. I swear the older I get the less I know.

I feel bad for Little Miss 18. She really believes she's got it all figured out. She feels profoundly misunderstood. I remember that feeling. It sucks. It feels like the whole world is against you.

Stick it out honey, you'll see. A day will come when you'll remember your television debut and cringe. Don't be embarrassed, we've all been there.

No more campaign commercials!! YAY!!

Well, voting day has come and frankly, it couldn't have come on a worse day. I was worried last week because I didn't really have any idea who I'd vote for. I've been in a funk for a month now. So much for ADW...it's more like ADS (season). But these last 2 days have been horrendous.

My new polling place is a retirement hotel. As I was in the elevator I noticed a sign advertising a Julie Andrews concert at 1:30 this afternoon (which was only 10 minutes from that very moment.)

Now if I was depressed before, I was spiraling downward now. I'm a little dissastisfied with my life right now. I quote Fontine (of Les Miserables fame) when I say, "I had a dream my life would be...so different from this hell I'm living." Now I realize that's a bit melodramatic but it's a very moving musical.

Anyway, if Mary Poppins is singing to deaf geriatrics in her twilight years in the middle of the afternoon, then what hope do I have of making my life memorable?

So I go in and vote and stare at the screen because I still don't know who the hell I'm going to vote for. I consider all the things I've learned about the candidates. Some comments about one in particular ("south side white trash" I think it went...from someone who shouldn't talk) are chock full of ignorance. Some comments and recomendations about some of them seem much more well informed.

I still didn't know what to do. I almost did the write-in thing. But then I cast a vote...and I will keep it to myself as is my right as an American.

Then I walked out of the practically-a-nursing home and felt slightly better. I'd been naval gazing for a long time now and getting out and thinking about the larger community made me see a break in my clouds.

My civic duty fulfilled, I can see my importance in the world. Even if only for 10 minutes.

Clinton gets a new job

I'm tappin' that TV vein again. Stacy and Clinton have gone from fashion gurus to life coaches.
They just told a mini-skirt wearin'-low-rise sportin'-cleavage exposing-40-somthin' that, "This is about giving you options. You can only get so far being 'tarty'." I want to marry him...although I have a sneaky suspicion he's not interested in my kind.

F'ing read this article...A holes.

This is priceless. Just priceless. Enjoy.

If you park this bad I'd hate to see how you...

Ok seriously. Is it really necessary to leave a half a car length in front of you when you parallel park? 5 cars fit on the small area of street next to my building. If and I mean if people don't leave 200 feet between them and the car in front of them. Bastards all!

Movie review...sort of.

I watched The Shipping News this afternoon. I highly recomend it. It's not the feel-good movie of the decade or anything, but I like it for several reasons. #1) It confirms, if I ever had a doubt, that I never ever want to go to Newfoundland. #2) It stars Kevin Spacey, Cate Blanchet, Judi Dench, and Juliane Moore. A fine cast. and #3) It's a movie about hope and healing. I love those two very things, as many of you know. There is hope for a broken heart...a broken life. If a Hollywood story can show it, and this myth can stir us, then it it must mean there is a deeper reality. Hope and healing is possible. It has to be.

Next Tuesday is fast aproaching

I hate politics. I hate hate hate hate it!!!

I don't believe a damn thing anybody says. I hear Republicans talkin' shit...Democrats talkin' shit. I don't know what to think. CNN says this...FOXNews says that.

I'm stumped. I have to admit that I'm a political retard. I know very little about our government and how it operates. Bill O'Reily said that most Americans don't know who the Speaker of the House is. I hang my head in shame. I don't even know what the Speaker of the House does.

But there are issues that find themselves in political platforms that are of great importance to me: abortion; poverty; international relations; stem cell research; capital punishment. And my beliefs about what will make this country better, straddle political parties.

So I might try to educate myself as best I can and choose a candidate that best fits my own belief system. (haha...yeah I'm a comedian now.) or.....

... I might just write in Meeg's mom.

To be comforted

I'm sitting on my sofa listening to the gentle hiss of my radiators kicking in. It's a comforting sound. It's as if they're warning of colder days ahead and reminding me that they'll keep me warm. I think I'll go make some herbal tea...

I am also addicted to...

checking the comments on my blog. I think I've checked it 20 times since I posted. I guess I'm more "words of affirmation" than I thought. Or maybe I'm an insecure writer who fears her writing is only good to her own eyes. Like the karaoke bar flies who, after a couple heineken's, think their Shania f'ing Twaine.

I need therapy...big time.

Junk or Jesus? (or L&O marathons)

I want to talk about addiction. I am familiar with the concept of addictions but practically speaking, how does one overcome them?

On Oprah this morning (ahem...TV?) were women who had had gastric bypass surgery. Once they'd lost all that weight they went on to other destructive behaviors such as alcoholism and promiscuity, trading one addiction for another.

I know in my own life, I've done that quite often. I have many "habits" from which to choose: eating, reading, TV, smoking. And they are interchangeable. I'm always self medicating. But honestly I don't even know what deep issues I'm medicating myself from.

Now, I know I'm not alone in the whole addiction thing. I know from my reading and TV watching that everyone has an issue with one addiction or another. We all want to check out. But strip away our numbing habits and we're faced with, in some cases, unbearable fear and pain. How on earth are we expected to cope?

The popular Christian response would be to "offer it up to the Lord." Now, again, this I understand in theory. But what does "offering it up" really mean...what does it look like? I've witnessed people trading some naughty vice for an unbending, unforgiving morality. Did they really "offer it up to the Lord" or did they replace they're destructive behaviors for a more benign addiction to a theological idea?

I was going to say "an addiction to God" but stopped myself. I know God is key, but I struggle with the idea of "checking out with Jesus." I don't want to check out. I want His assistance in facing this fucked up world. But I want to continue to see the pain around me and not bury my head in the sand. For how can I make the world a better place if I turn my back on it. Yet, there's no way to face it, and really feel it, without the novocaine of dissociation. I know I must draw from a strength I don't posses.

But how does one do that?

I know prayer is essential and I suck at it. My prayer muscles have atrophied and working them out right now is painful. But like any exercise you have to start small. I'm not good at starting small. I want the results without the work. (hmm...a recurring theme...interesting)

I have no answers and I'm sooo tired of thinking about it. I quote Scarlett O'Hara when I say, "I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day...and Law & Order is on."

Two Sides of a Coin

Part I: I am disheartened, nay, dismayed by the state of our world. Last week I watched a lot of Oprah. She had a couple shows that punctuated for me the vast difference between western culture and the rest of the world.

Tonight, I faced western civilization personified. People without understanding or compassion. People who felt entitled to my undivided attention at all times. People who treated me like the help. Co-workers who have no qualms about making someone else do their work for them because they're too lazy or slow to do it themselves. People who think everyone else is there to clean up after them. Adults who don't know that a quart is bigger than a pint. Young adults in the working world who were never taught how to learn.

I think it's possible that some of these new people at work suffer from learning disabilities. Or maybe it's that kids today were so coddled that they don't have any idea how to be self-sufficiant.

Who will lead our country in 20 years? A frightening thought, no? Abundance truly does create apathy.

Part II : After I was done bitching (verbally and internally) about the above scenarios I had a flash of conviction. I was impatient with a table because they were taking too long to order and maybe they noticed. I wasn't very nice to my fellow employees. I don't like being unkind. I hate getting angry at work. I'm embarrassed by my outbursts of rage.

If I'm brutally honest, I have to admit that what upset me so much was that it all made my night more difficult. And just like any good American, I don't think life should be difficult. I should be able to have whatever I want (20% tips?) with as little work as possible. If I'm honest, I also lacked compassion and understanding.

But I don't know how to fix it.

There is one thing that gives me hope about my own western sense of entitlement.... I know a quart is bigger than a pint.

I'm gonna ramble

I love online bill-pay. I sat in my jammies and paid bills. No checks to write, no stamps to dig out of my desk drawer. LOVE. IT.

On a more serious note. (but not that serious) I love life today! Maybe I'm bi-polar but today is a great day. I'm going down to the third ring of hell (namely the south burbs) to see my friends Paul and Maryellen who I haven't seen in a long time. I miss them.

Then tomorrow I have Lori's gig and the boy is going so that'll be fun. Then next week I have to work hard to make up for two Saturdays in a row that I need off. One for Megan's birthday party and one for Paul and Maryellen's 10th anniversary party. (I can't believe it's been 10 years!)

I guess all those feelings of utter aloneness last week were unwarranted. (Although I probably needed to feel that way for a little bit so I could remember today that...) I have lots of great friends.

Thank you all for accepting me even though I get depressed sometimes.

Love you!

Brief Update

I realize I haven't posted much lately. I've labeled last week "Aunal Depression Week." I get that way this time of year. I usually call it my Fall Melancholy. But when something emotionally troubling happens (as it did last week) it blows up into full-on, don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed- depression.

I'm ok now. I just have to work a little harder in the next couple of weeks to make up for the money I lost by giving my shifts away. I just needed a little time to myself. I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.

I hope to see some of you at Lori's gig on Friday!

Armageddon is upon us

Uhh...what's up with the weather? I woke up and it was snowing. I'd heard it might snow so I wasn't too shocked and by the time I got to my car it had stopped and was just ugly cloudy. Then about 2 miles from my home the sun came out and I saw blue sky and pretty puffy white clouds. Then, as I looked about three blocks ahead, I saw a complete white out. Mind you, my car was still in total sunlight. It was the coolest, freakiest thing I've ever seen. I got to the white out point and was in a complete blizzard...I could barely see two car lengths in front of me.

By the time I'd been working for a half hour the sun was out again and the skies were blue. Ten minutes after that we had another blizzard. So weird.

Definitely "end of the world" weather.

PS. How 'bout that blogroll...I'm frickin' brilliant! (stay tuned for some cool links)

Two more things

#1 I'm enrolling in a writer's workshop. I found it online and it looks awesome.
The Writer's Loft looks like just what I need. If you check out the site you'll see a list of bullet points that basically describe my every problem with writing. (except that I don't have any training) So I'm excited.

#2 I prayed today. I wrote in my journal and prayed for my very troubled friend who I love very much. I don't know if things will work out the way I want (as if I really know what I want) but it's comforting to know that God loves him infinitely more than I do.

Sweet Blog

I was searching blogger to see if I could figure out how to put a blogroll on my page (Lori help!!) and found this Blog of Note.

It belongs to a young woman who writes just three things that made her happy that day. It made me smile so I thought I'd share it. I especially loved #3 from today on account of my love for The Breakfast Club.

Enjoy!

Oye!

This lady on What Not to Wear is brutal...but correct. Ouch!

Oh...article...right...bye!

My Goal

for the day is to write an article. I've got the beginnings of several pieces of varying subject matter. We'll see what we can come up with. I had lunch with my cousin (in-law?) yesterday and she has a friend who's the associate editor for Today's Christian Woman. Now I know that publication falls under the Christianity Today International umbrella and they are very conservative evangelicals. I'm hesitant to get hooked up with them because conservative evangelicals tend to hurt my feelings. But we'll see.

I guess I have to shut off TLC and What Not to Wear...and stop surfing for a kitchen table...because see....writing would be so much easier if I had a kitchen table.

Heehee...I love blogging.

I heart daytime TV !!!

I love Susan Lucci but I'm watching her on The View and I think I heard her say two whole words. The girls were having a heated discussion about the war in Iraq and Joy, Rosie, and Elizabeth were fighting to get their opinions heard and poor, sweet Susan Lucci wasn't able to get a word in edge-wise.

Maybe she needs to whip out a little Erica Kane on their asses.

Hope deferred...

I had two experiences this week and they were very similar.

One was with a friend. One was with God at church this morning.
Both incidents can best be described as a mind-fuck.

The difference is that my friend and I had a conversation about it and worked things out as best we could for right now. When I talk and cry to God about why He seems to enjoy torturing me...He is silent.

A friend once said that being in a relationship with God was like being in an abusive relationship. I've never felt that to be more true than I do right now. And yet I still hope.

Another friend says that even though she questions God's motives often, she knows that she would simply die without Him.

This is my problem: I am being tormented by a God who's very breath sustains my life.

"What you have said is hard...but to whom else could I go?"

Great Article

Thanks Lori! I get to use my new html skill.

Check out this article about the emerging Church. I wish Catholicism could adopt this style of community. I don't want to change any doctorine or even the fundamentals of the liturgy. I just want it to be a place that is appealing to people. Especially me.

Creation

It's difficult for me to describe the beauty of the North Woods. My mom and I just got back from visiting Bud-n-Sue (my uncle and his wife) in Minoqua. Those of you, (Lisa, Megan and Tina) who have been there, will attest to the perfection of their little cabin in the woods. And it's even more perfect now. Bud vaulted the ceiling, replaced the nasty shag carpet with a teak-wood floor, and completely renovated the kitchen. It's beautiful. The perfect autumn getaway.

I got up around 8am Sunday to get ready for church. I was practically alone in the house as Bud and Sue are not churchgoers and were still in bed and my mom was in their camper in the front yard. (her own little apartment for the weekend)

The scene out their back windows was breathtaking. The sun peeking over the tops of the trees creating steam on the surface of the lake and setting the fall colors on fire. I took my coffee and my journal out to the deck and just...sat. And it was quiet. A silence interupted only by the sound of the loons.

I don't think I've ever seen a loon but their call is the hallmark of the North Woods. It's an eerie lonely sound. My senses were full of God's creation and I was stunned by the beauty.

I was also stunned and saddened that going to church didn't feel like a continuation of my comtemplative frame of mind, but an unwelcomed interruption.

I think there's something wrong with that...but I don't know how to change it.

And the award goes to...

Now that a week has gone by, and I still have my job, I can tell you the greatest screw-up at a table...ever.

A little back-story...

I work at a restaurant that is very casual and family friendly. It is also very expensive. This latter fact allows me to live alone and pay my bills very nicely. So when I have a table that seats 8 people, I prefer that it is seated with 8 hungry adults who want lobster tails. Naturally, this doesn't alway happen and I find myself taking it all in stride, knowing that the next table might be the good one.

But last Sunday night I watched in horror as six children, all under the age of 12 (the age limit for the kid's menu) walk in with their two moms. As they were getting their high chairs and boosters all situatied I walked into a side station (completely out of earshot from any paying customers) to vent. Standing there, was the kitcen manager and another server. I walked up to them and asked, in my most sarcastic tone, where I might find the nearest Chuck E. Cheese's. Said kitchen manager started giving me directions. I interrupted him with, "yeah yeah great...go tell table 34."

And he did.

A month ago I was truly dismayed by the favoritism shown to servers who screw up constantly. Now I can honestly say that I am grateful for it. Servers have been fired for less.

OMG HGtv!!

I'll write a serious blog when this show is over. I promise.

I will be a server forever

The cable guy was here to hook me up with tv and internet. He's been gone all of 30 minutes and I've been sucked in already. TLC and What Not to Wear. Damn that's good viewin'.

Am I really that old?!

I think I'm entering para-menopause. I heard this term the other day and it flashed through my brain today when I almost tore the eyeballs out of this guy at my table. And when I tell you what happened, you'll probably think I need serious meds.

I go to the table...I take a drink order. Strawberry lemonade, coke, garlic rolls. Yes. During the drink order taking portion of the dining out experience, this guy orders garlic rolls. And he did so in a tone that suggested I'd never heard of such things as "garlic rolls." I wanted to tell him that my bra stinks for 2 days in my hamper after a double...I know what fucking garlic rolls are.

But seriously. Why whould that put me in such a rage? And it's not even that this guy was rude. He was polite when he ordered the garlic rolls to drink. He was just being stupid, and in so doing, threw off my whole order-taking groove. That's it. He threw off my groove.

But I was so enraged that he may as well have called me a fat whore. Then the anger subsided after about 5 minutes and I was fine.

I need to make a doctor's appointment I think.