Restaurant Etiquette Part I

I did not start this blog as a vehicle to complain about my experiences waiting tables. There are some awesome waiter blogs out there (waiter rant being my favorite) and I've never wanted to compete with them.

But I have just a few things for people to keep in mind....(and by "people" I mean everyone other than the 4 people who read my blog.)

• If you've waited an hour and a half for a table then it probably means the restaurant is busy...consequently, your server will be busy. And it is probable that he or she has other guests in his or her care. So this is a good time to remind yourself that you are not the center of the universe.
• If your drink is empty, shaking your ice around in the glass 6 inches off the table as your server walks by is never a good idea. Please refer to the Please and Thank You chapters of your kindergarten textbooks.
• If your server makes a mistake it's because he or she is human and not because they were really hoping to ruin your night. The more you bitch about it the more your server retracts their initially sincere apology.
• If you enjoy making servers stay late while you refuse to pay the check you are pathetic and should consider a less passive aggressive hobby.
• If your server comes to the table with their hands full but they forgot your cocktail sauce, chances are they didn't forget, they just left their extra set of arms at home that day. Keep your mouth shut and give them a chance to come back with it.

Thanks for letting me vent kids!

Still in the land of the living

...but barely.

I've been parked on the couch for 4 days...today makes 5. I was going to call in extra for the dinner shift but I didn't want to leave my couch. I'm bored out of my mind; I feel cloudy in the head from lack of fresh air; I feel lonely and destined to live out my days knowing that, if, in the middle of the night, I should require emergency medical attention, i will die.

I think the only reason I went to the doctor was because last time I had bronchitis I thought I was going to choke on my own phlegm in my sleep. But he gave me some very nice cough syrup and a doctor's note stating that I was, in fact, sick with something other than a hangover for those folks at work who don't trust Saturday morning sick calls.

All I want to do is sleep on my couch and watch TLC all day. And since I've done that very thing for the past four days (with a little review of Alias season 4 thrown in) I'm guessing I'm in a bit of a depression.

Ah well, not to worry...I have a double tomorrow. And I bet it'll be the greatest double of my life. It'll be good to get out and actually use my slightly atrophied body .

Oh why does the thought of going to work make me cringe? I think I'm going to work on my book a bit today. I need another life option. Maybe that's why I'm depressed.

Hmmm....

Heavy sigh....

It's the new year. I don't even know what to say. I've done some introspection but really I'm just fried. Here are some resolutions I've been toying with.

1) Learn the names of all the Latinos at work. It's really hard to learn someone's name when you can't have a conversation with them. I think I must remember names based on what I learn about them in conversation. I don't speak Spanish so I don't know all their names. That makes me feel bad. They work so hard to make my job easier and I haven't learned their names. Shame on me.

2) I have a whole pack of smokes left. I'm not even looking forward to smoking it. My lungs hurt. So I might quit smoking. But, there are some people who don't smoke who are getting all excited about the opportunity to tsk tsk me when I do (sadly none of them read this blog) I wish I could tell them to remember, it's not about what they want, or what I want, it's about what my body requires. It currently requires nicotine. It will take a tremendous amount of will power and God's grace to kick the habit. It will NOT require a whole lot of nagging. Thank you very much.

3) I will write everyday. I will do something that I hate doing. Practice. I hated practicing the flute in 4th grade. I hated practicing guitar in 7th. I hate practicing. I want the results without the work. This is my greatest weakness. It's time I start working on it. I don't want to be a server forever.

4) I think 3 resolutions is enough.

An Inconvenient Agenda

I had a short conversation with a guy at work regarding the Al Gore documentary An Inconvenient Truth. I'd seen Al on Oprah for about 30 seconds but other than that I don't know much about the film. So this friend comes into work talking about how he saw the movie and how scary it all is. All I said in response is, "I'm not buyin' it." "YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING?!?!?!!!" The look on his face was like I just said I didn't believe in traffic lights.

His overreaction makes me even less interested in seeing it. I'm not an activist about anything really. I think there are so, so many things wrong with this world that I have a hard time picking just one. And I'm just a little suspicious of those who can pick just one. There has to be some ulterior motive involved. I mean bringing global warming to a screeching halt by using better light bulbs? (that's the part I saw on Oprah) I'm just not buying it.

So I finally saw a preview for An Inconvenient Truth. It actually sounds kind of fascinating. I like geography and geology and natural disaster movies. I might just rent it for entertainment value...in the Discovery Channel sort of way. But one thing Al said in that preview revealed his ulterior motive.

I think his line went something like this. "Should we be spending so much money/time fighting terrorists or should we focus on global warming."

Hmm Al, that's a good question. Let's see...who gets to decide if this country should fight terrorist? Um...uh...hmmm...oh I got it! The president!!! Oh yeah...give me a gold star! Now...who's our current president?? This one's a little tougher...let me think.....................................................OH!!! It's George W. Bush!! Do I get another star? Oh and one more thing. Who kicked your ass in the campaign for that esteemed position in our government? Could that be George Bush as well? Me thinks so. Geriatric Floridians aside, he won the election. Al, you must be pissed off about that huh?

Here's the thing. I'm not a big fan of Dubya anymore either. And I'm not against altering our current goings on on this planet to prevent it's early destruction. But I'm not going to watch An Inconvenient Truth and see it as anything more than reactionary liberal propaganda.

I am more afraid when I watch movies like Hotel Rwanda, Lord of War, Babel (not that I've seen it yet), Blood Diamond (ditto). What good is saving the planet if it will filled with greed and hatred. I'd rather see our leaders work on human relations. Our families need help. Our country, our world and it's citizens.

If the planet is going to implode in 100 years because we use too much AquaNet then I'd rather see it go out on a good note, with the crown of God's creation, human life, being the thing we value above all things.

Mind numbing fun

I seriously love YouTube. I followed Lisa's link to the Neil Patrick Harris rendition of
Confrontation from Les Mis and now I'm learning all kinds of cool stuff about fighting celebs and such.
Kelly's mad at Clay. Rosie's mad at Kelly.
Kelly's mad at Rosie. And everyone with a soul is mad at Michael Richards. This is the coolest site.

Oh, and did I mention that I love href?

Helloooo!

I haven't been here in a long time. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I did. I went to the Grover's (Tom and Lisa's) and ate my weight in turkey and honey baked ham and pork sausage stuffing and mashed taters and home made pies and to top it all off, coffee with mint mocha creamer . We played Catch Phrase with waay too many people and had a blast.

I want to list some things for witch I am infinitely grateful...

• My mom...who always loves me
• My friends...who make me laugh and think and grow
  
• My job...that pays my bills
• My hopes and dreams...even if they seem to hide from me and make me cry a lot
• My faith...even if it seems to hide from me and makes me cry a lot.
• My God...even if He seems to hide from me and makes me cry a lot.
• My apartment...even though my shower doesn't work very well and my closets randomly smell like sewage.

That's just a tiny list and there are many sub-lists. I can't wait to enjoy this Christmas season with all of you.

Update: 11:35pm

I wrote the above before I left to see a movie with Meegs and Lori. I have a new addition to my Thanksgiving list.

• Daniel Craig...who...well...mmm.
  

Totally cool

Dood! Lara Flyn Boyle, covered in post mortum gooiness, just crawled out of the instantly mummified, aforementioned creepy chubby woman. Sweeeet.

I do love gory stuff sometimes.

Type casting

Poltergiest III has that short little chubby woman with the high pitched Southern accent. She is still creepy. Who is she? Could she ever do any other role besides "creepy woman?" I doubt it.

This surfer needs some techy help

So I downloaded this new fancy version of Internet Explorer about a month ago. They (the elusive "they") "recomended" it. Since then my browser freezes about once and hour and I have to end program. I did a virus scan on my 'puter and it's clean according to my anti-virus softwear. So now what? Anyone know how I can go back to the good 'ol days of non-fancy surfing? Or can I contact someone at Windows and encourage them to get their poop in a group? (anyone have a number?)

Help me...I'm computer challenged!

Ah...to be 18 again

I'm watching Dr. Phil and there's this couple who met on SugarDaddy.com. The guy is a 40 yr old widower and his girlfriend is 18. He is concerned that she's just after his money (ya think?)and his friend is hilariously obnoxious about her and her intentions for his 40 year old friend. She claims, with tears streaming down her face, that Mr. Rich guy is her soulmate and that she "believes in God" and that marriage is for life and that Mr. Obnoxious Friend is being unfair and cruel.

Dr. Phil is being generous when he says that he doesn't think it's impossible for a relationship that began on SugarDaddy.com to become something meaningful. But he also brought up the fact that Little Miss 18 may not have the life experience necessary to deal with the world view of a 40 year old...not to mention a man who's lost a wife to terminal illness. (as an aside, she told Mr. 40 that he had to get rid of all the pictures of his late wife.)

She's reacting to this line of reasoning like I used to react to my parents telling me that I couldn't wear make-up till I was in high school. They said it was for my own good and that I would understand when I was older. I swore up and down (in so many words, and in my jr. high way) that I knew all there was to know and that they were unjustly excercising their authority in order to make themselves feel like good parents. And I wasn't going to stand for it!!!

This girl needs to hit 30 ...hell, 25...and come to understand, like all of us have, that she doesn't know jack shit. I swear the older I get the less I know.

I feel bad for Little Miss 18. She really believes she's got it all figured out. She feels profoundly misunderstood. I remember that feeling. It sucks. It feels like the whole world is against you.

Stick it out honey, you'll see. A day will come when you'll remember your television debut and cringe. Don't be embarrassed, we've all been there.

No more campaign commercials!! YAY!!

Well, voting day has come and frankly, it couldn't have come on a worse day. I was worried last week because I didn't really have any idea who I'd vote for. I've been in a funk for a month now. So much for ADW...it's more like ADS (season). But these last 2 days have been horrendous.

My new polling place is a retirement hotel. As I was in the elevator I noticed a sign advertising a Julie Andrews concert at 1:30 this afternoon (which was only 10 minutes from that very moment.)

Now if I was depressed before, I was spiraling downward now. I'm a little dissastisfied with my life right now. I quote Fontine (of Les Miserables fame) when I say, "I had a dream my life would be...so different from this hell I'm living." Now I realize that's a bit melodramatic but it's a very moving musical.

Anyway, if Mary Poppins is singing to deaf geriatrics in her twilight years in the middle of the afternoon, then what hope do I have of making my life memorable?

So I go in and vote and stare at the screen because I still don't know who the hell I'm going to vote for. I consider all the things I've learned about the candidates. Some comments about one in particular ("south side white trash" I think it went...from someone who shouldn't talk) are chock full of ignorance. Some comments and recomendations about some of them seem much more well informed.

I still didn't know what to do. I almost did the write-in thing. But then I cast a vote...and I will keep it to myself as is my right as an American.

Then I walked out of the practically-a-nursing home and felt slightly better. I'd been naval gazing for a long time now and getting out and thinking about the larger community made me see a break in my clouds.

My civic duty fulfilled, I can see my importance in the world. Even if only for 10 minutes.

Clinton gets a new job

I'm tappin' that TV vein again. Stacy and Clinton have gone from fashion gurus to life coaches.
They just told a mini-skirt wearin'-low-rise sportin'-cleavage exposing-40-somthin' that, "This is about giving you options. You can only get so far being 'tarty'." I want to marry him...although I have a sneaky suspicion he's not interested in my kind.

F'ing read this article...A holes.

This is priceless. Just priceless. Enjoy.

If you park this bad I'd hate to see how you...

Ok seriously. Is it really necessary to leave a half a car length in front of you when you parallel park? 5 cars fit on the small area of street next to my building. If and I mean if people don't leave 200 feet between them and the car in front of them. Bastards all!

Movie review...sort of.

I watched The Shipping News this afternoon. I highly recomend it. It's not the feel-good movie of the decade or anything, but I like it for several reasons. #1) It confirms, if I ever had a doubt, that I never ever want to go to Newfoundland. #2) It stars Kevin Spacey, Cate Blanchet, Judi Dench, and Juliane Moore. A fine cast. and #3) It's a movie about hope and healing. I love those two very things, as many of you know. There is hope for a broken heart...a broken life. If a Hollywood story can show it, and this myth can stir us, then it it must mean there is a deeper reality. Hope and healing is possible. It has to be.

Next Tuesday is fast aproaching

I hate politics. I hate hate hate hate it!!!

I don't believe a damn thing anybody says. I hear Republicans talkin' shit...Democrats talkin' shit. I don't know what to think. CNN says this...FOXNews says that.

I'm stumped. I have to admit that I'm a political retard. I know very little about our government and how it operates. Bill O'Reily said that most Americans don't know who the Speaker of the House is. I hang my head in shame. I don't even know what the Speaker of the House does.

But there are issues that find themselves in political platforms that are of great importance to me: abortion; poverty; international relations; stem cell research; capital punishment. And my beliefs about what will make this country better, straddle political parties.

So I might try to educate myself as best I can and choose a candidate that best fits my own belief system. (haha...yeah I'm a comedian now.) or.....

... I might just write in Meeg's mom.

To be comforted

I'm sitting on my sofa listening to the gentle hiss of my radiators kicking in. It's a comforting sound. It's as if they're warning of colder days ahead and reminding me that they'll keep me warm. I think I'll go make some herbal tea...

I am also addicted to...

checking the comments on my blog. I think I've checked it 20 times since I posted. I guess I'm more "words of affirmation" than I thought. Or maybe I'm an insecure writer who fears her writing is only good to her own eyes. Like the karaoke bar flies who, after a couple heineken's, think their Shania f'ing Twaine.

I need therapy...big time.

Junk or Jesus? (or L&O marathons)

I want to talk about addiction. I am familiar with the concept of addictions but practically speaking, how does one overcome them?

On Oprah this morning (ahem...TV?) were women who had had gastric bypass surgery. Once they'd lost all that weight they went on to other destructive behaviors such as alcoholism and promiscuity, trading one addiction for another.

I know in my own life, I've done that quite often. I have many "habits" from which to choose: eating, reading, TV, smoking. And they are interchangeable. I'm always self medicating. But honestly I don't even know what deep issues I'm medicating myself from.

Now, I know I'm not alone in the whole addiction thing. I know from my reading and TV watching that everyone has an issue with one addiction or another. We all want to check out. But strip away our numbing habits and we're faced with, in some cases, unbearable fear and pain. How on earth are we expected to cope?

The popular Christian response would be to "offer it up to the Lord." Now, again, this I understand in theory. But what does "offering it up" really mean...what does it look like? I've witnessed people trading some naughty vice for an unbending, unforgiving morality. Did they really "offer it up to the Lord" or did they replace they're destructive behaviors for a more benign addiction to a theological idea?

I was going to say "an addiction to God" but stopped myself. I know God is key, but I struggle with the idea of "checking out with Jesus." I don't want to check out. I want His assistance in facing this fucked up world. But I want to continue to see the pain around me and not bury my head in the sand. For how can I make the world a better place if I turn my back on it. Yet, there's no way to face it, and really feel it, without the novocaine of dissociation. I know I must draw from a strength I don't posses.

But how does one do that?

I know prayer is essential and I suck at it. My prayer muscles have atrophied and working them out right now is painful. But like any exercise you have to start small. I'm not good at starting small. I want the results without the work. (hmm...a recurring theme...interesting)

I have no answers and I'm sooo tired of thinking about it. I quote Scarlett O'Hara when I say, "I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day...and Law & Order is on."

Two Sides of a Coin

Part I: I am disheartened, nay, dismayed by the state of our world. Last week I watched a lot of Oprah. She had a couple shows that punctuated for me the vast difference between western culture and the rest of the world.

Tonight, I faced western civilization personified. People without understanding or compassion. People who felt entitled to my undivided attention at all times. People who treated me like the help. Co-workers who have no qualms about making someone else do their work for them because they're too lazy or slow to do it themselves. People who think everyone else is there to clean up after them. Adults who don't know that a quart is bigger than a pint. Young adults in the working world who were never taught how to learn.

I think it's possible that some of these new people at work suffer from learning disabilities. Or maybe it's that kids today were so coddled that they don't have any idea how to be self-sufficiant.

Who will lead our country in 20 years? A frightening thought, no? Abundance truly does create apathy.

Part II : After I was done bitching (verbally and internally) about the above scenarios I had a flash of conviction. I was impatient with a table because they were taking too long to order and maybe they noticed. I wasn't very nice to my fellow employees. I don't like being unkind. I hate getting angry at work. I'm embarrassed by my outbursts of rage.

If I'm brutally honest, I have to admit that what upset me so much was that it all made my night more difficult. And just like any good American, I don't think life should be difficult. I should be able to have whatever I want (20% tips?) with as little work as possible. If I'm honest, I also lacked compassion and understanding.

But I don't know how to fix it.

There is one thing that gives me hope about my own western sense of entitlement.... I know a quart is bigger than a pint.