Next Tuesday is fast aproaching

I hate politics. I hate hate hate hate it!!!

I don't believe a damn thing anybody says. I hear Republicans talkin' shit...Democrats talkin' shit. I don't know what to think. CNN says this...FOXNews says that.

I'm stumped. I have to admit that I'm a political retard. I know very little about our government and how it operates. Bill O'Reily said that most Americans don't know who the Speaker of the House is. I hang my head in shame. I don't even know what the Speaker of the House does.

But there are issues that find themselves in political platforms that are of great importance to me: abortion; poverty; international relations; stem cell research; capital punishment. And my beliefs about what will make this country better, straddle political parties.

So I might try to educate myself as best I can and choose a candidate that best fits my own belief system. (haha...yeah I'm a comedian now.) or.....

... I might just write in Meeg's mom.

To be comforted

I'm sitting on my sofa listening to the gentle hiss of my radiators kicking in. It's a comforting sound. It's as if they're warning of colder days ahead and reminding me that they'll keep me warm. I think I'll go make some herbal tea...

I am also addicted to...

checking the comments on my blog. I think I've checked it 20 times since I posted. I guess I'm more "words of affirmation" than I thought. Or maybe I'm an insecure writer who fears her writing is only good to her own eyes. Like the karaoke bar flies who, after a couple heineken's, think their Shania f'ing Twaine.

I need therapy...big time.

Junk or Jesus? (or L&O marathons)

I want to talk about addiction. I am familiar with the concept of addictions but practically speaking, how does one overcome them?

On Oprah this morning (ahem...TV?) were women who had had gastric bypass surgery. Once they'd lost all that weight they went on to other destructive behaviors such as alcoholism and promiscuity, trading one addiction for another.

I know in my own life, I've done that quite often. I have many "habits" from which to choose: eating, reading, TV, smoking. And they are interchangeable. I'm always self medicating. But honestly I don't even know what deep issues I'm medicating myself from.

Now, I know I'm not alone in the whole addiction thing. I know from my reading and TV watching that everyone has an issue with one addiction or another. We all want to check out. But strip away our numbing habits and we're faced with, in some cases, unbearable fear and pain. How on earth are we expected to cope?

The popular Christian response would be to "offer it up to the Lord." Now, again, this I understand in theory. But what does "offering it up" really mean...what does it look like? I've witnessed people trading some naughty vice for an unbending, unforgiving morality. Did they really "offer it up to the Lord" or did they replace they're destructive behaviors for a more benign addiction to a theological idea?

I was going to say "an addiction to God" but stopped myself. I know God is key, but I struggle with the idea of "checking out with Jesus." I don't want to check out. I want His assistance in facing this fucked up world. But I want to continue to see the pain around me and not bury my head in the sand. For how can I make the world a better place if I turn my back on it. Yet, there's no way to face it, and really feel it, without the novocaine of dissociation. I know I must draw from a strength I don't posses.

But how does one do that?

I know prayer is essential and I suck at it. My prayer muscles have atrophied and working them out right now is painful. But like any exercise you have to start small. I'm not good at starting small. I want the results without the work. (hmm...a recurring theme...interesting)

I have no answers and I'm sooo tired of thinking about it. I quote Scarlett O'Hara when I say, "I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day...and Law & Order is on."

Two Sides of a Coin

Part I: I am disheartened, nay, dismayed by the state of our world. Last week I watched a lot of Oprah. She had a couple shows that punctuated for me the vast difference between western culture and the rest of the world.

Tonight, I faced western civilization personified. People without understanding or compassion. People who felt entitled to my undivided attention at all times. People who treated me like the help. Co-workers who have no qualms about making someone else do their work for them because they're too lazy or slow to do it themselves. People who think everyone else is there to clean up after them. Adults who don't know that a quart is bigger than a pint. Young adults in the working world who were never taught how to learn.

I think it's possible that some of these new people at work suffer from learning disabilities. Or maybe it's that kids today were so coddled that they don't have any idea how to be self-sufficiant.

Who will lead our country in 20 years? A frightening thought, no? Abundance truly does create apathy.

Part II : After I was done bitching (verbally and internally) about the above scenarios I had a flash of conviction. I was impatient with a table because they were taking too long to order and maybe they noticed. I wasn't very nice to my fellow employees. I don't like being unkind. I hate getting angry at work. I'm embarrassed by my outbursts of rage.

If I'm brutally honest, I have to admit that what upset me so much was that it all made my night more difficult. And just like any good American, I don't think life should be difficult. I should be able to have whatever I want (20% tips?) with as little work as possible. If I'm honest, I also lacked compassion and understanding.

But I don't know how to fix it.

There is one thing that gives me hope about my own western sense of entitlement.... I know a quart is bigger than a pint.

I'm gonna ramble

I love online bill-pay. I sat in my jammies and paid bills. No checks to write, no stamps to dig out of my desk drawer. LOVE. IT.

On a more serious note. (but not that serious) I love life today! Maybe I'm bi-polar but today is a great day. I'm going down to the third ring of hell (namely the south burbs) to see my friends Paul and Maryellen who I haven't seen in a long time. I miss them.

Then tomorrow I have Lori's gig and the boy is going so that'll be fun. Then next week I have to work hard to make up for two Saturdays in a row that I need off. One for Megan's birthday party and one for Paul and Maryellen's 10th anniversary party. (I can't believe it's been 10 years!)

I guess all those feelings of utter aloneness last week were unwarranted. (Although I probably needed to feel that way for a little bit so I could remember today that...) I have lots of great friends.

Thank you all for accepting me even though I get depressed sometimes.

Love you!

Brief Update

I realize I haven't posted much lately. I've labeled last week "Aunal Depression Week." I get that way this time of year. I usually call it my Fall Melancholy. But when something emotionally troubling happens (as it did last week) it blows up into full-on, don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed- depression.

I'm ok now. I just have to work a little harder in the next couple of weeks to make up for the money I lost by giving my shifts away. I just needed a little time to myself. I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.

I hope to see some of you at Lori's gig on Friday!

Armageddon is upon us

Uhh...what's up with the weather? I woke up and it was snowing. I'd heard it might snow so I wasn't too shocked and by the time I got to my car it had stopped and was just ugly cloudy. Then about 2 miles from my home the sun came out and I saw blue sky and pretty puffy white clouds. Then, as I looked about three blocks ahead, I saw a complete white out. Mind you, my car was still in total sunlight. It was the coolest, freakiest thing I've ever seen. I got to the white out point and was in a complete blizzard...I could barely see two car lengths in front of me.

By the time I'd been working for a half hour the sun was out again and the skies were blue. Ten minutes after that we had another blizzard. So weird.

Definitely "end of the world" weather.

PS. How 'bout that blogroll...I'm frickin' brilliant! (stay tuned for some cool links)

Two more things

#1 I'm enrolling in a writer's workshop. I found it online and it looks awesome.
The Writer's Loft looks like just what I need. If you check out the site you'll see a list of bullet points that basically describe my every problem with writing. (except that I don't have any training) So I'm excited.

#2 I prayed today. I wrote in my journal and prayed for my very troubled friend who I love very much. I don't know if things will work out the way I want (as if I really know what I want) but it's comforting to know that God loves him infinitely more than I do.

Sweet Blog

I was searching blogger to see if I could figure out how to put a blogroll on my page (Lori help!!) and found this Blog of Note.

It belongs to a young woman who writes just three things that made her happy that day. It made me smile so I thought I'd share it. I especially loved #3 from today on account of my love for The Breakfast Club.

Enjoy!

Oye!

This lady on What Not to Wear is brutal...but correct. Ouch!

Oh...article...right...bye!

My Goal

for the day is to write an article. I've got the beginnings of several pieces of varying subject matter. We'll see what we can come up with. I had lunch with my cousin (in-law?) yesterday and she has a friend who's the associate editor for Today's Christian Woman. Now I know that publication falls under the Christianity Today International umbrella and they are very conservative evangelicals. I'm hesitant to get hooked up with them because conservative evangelicals tend to hurt my feelings. But we'll see.

I guess I have to shut off TLC and What Not to Wear...and stop surfing for a kitchen table...because see....writing would be so much easier if I had a kitchen table.

Heehee...I love blogging.

I heart daytime TV !!!

I love Susan Lucci but I'm watching her on The View and I think I heard her say two whole words. The girls were having a heated discussion about the war in Iraq and Joy, Rosie, and Elizabeth were fighting to get their opinions heard and poor, sweet Susan Lucci wasn't able to get a word in edge-wise.

Maybe she needs to whip out a little Erica Kane on their asses.

Hope deferred...

I had two experiences this week and they were very similar.

One was with a friend. One was with God at church this morning.
Both incidents can best be described as a mind-fuck.

The difference is that my friend and I had a conversation about it and worked things out as best we could for right now. When I talk and cry to God about why He seems to enjoy torturing me...He is silent.

A friend once said that being in a relationship with God was like being in an abusive relationship. I've never felt that to be more true than I do right now. And yet I still hope.

Another friend says that even though she questions God's motives often, she knows that she would simply die without Him.

This is my problem: I am being tormented by a God who's very breath sustains my life.

"What you have said is hard...but to whom else could I go?"

Great Article

Thanks Lori! I get to use my new html skill.

Check out this article about the emerging Church. I wish Catholicism could adopt this style of community. I don't want to change any doctorine or even the fundamentals of the liturgy. I just want it to be a place that is appealing to people. Especially me.

Creation

It's difficult for me to describe the beauty of the North Woods. My mom and I just got back from visiting Bud-n-Sue (my uncle and his wife) in Minoqua. Those of you, (Lisa, Megan and Tina) who have been there, will attest to the perfection of their little cabin in the woods. And it's even more perfect now. Bud vaulted the ceiling, replaced the nasty shag carpet with a teak-wood floor, and completely renovated the kitchen. It's beautiful. The perfect autumn getaway.

I got up around 8am Sunday to get ready for church. I was practically alone in the house as Bud and Sue are not churchgoers and were still in bed and my mom was in their camper in the front yard. (her own little apartment for the weekend)

The scene out their back windows was breathtaking. The sun peeking over the tops of the trees creating steam on the surface of the lake and setting the fall colors on fire. I took my coffee and my journal out to the deck and just...sat. And it was quiet. A silence interupted only by the sound of the loons.

I don't think I've ever seen a loon but their call is the hallmark of the North Woods. It's an eerie lonely sound. My senses were full of God's creation and I was stunned by the beauty.

I was also stunned and saddened that going to church didn't feel like a continuation of my comtemplative frame of mind, but an unwelcomed interruption.

I think there's something wrong with that...but I don't know how to change it.