Here's the emotional post I never put up. I was yelled at by one Lisa Zell. (her fabulous blog can be found by following the link on my blogroll) She told me to post this even though it's kinda old news.
This is the fourth time I've written this post. I don't know where to focus this discussion of my screwed up relationship with my mother. Quite honestly, I feel like an orphan.
I love my mother. Yet she makes my constant, dull sense of loneliness more acute. I can go on to complain about all the adolescent emotions she provokes in me but I'll spare you. What I see is a future of caring for my mother alone. I've never felt more like a "lonely only" than I do right now. I feel an overwhelming, and almost oppressive, sense of responsibility. And I feel so selfish because I can't seem to get over the hurt. I practically threw her onto the plane Sunday -- I couldn't be with her anymore.
As a Catholic, I believe in the redemptive power of suffering. It is a beautiful concept that gives purpose to our pain. But I am literally on my couch crying in horror at the idea that my redemption will come through this loneliness...and that it will last the length of my life.
3 comments:
Old news or not, I think the feelings are still raw.
Thinking about/praying for you, babe...
I think for anyone, the thought of being responsible for another person is scary (definitely understand that your situation is different, being an only child though). But when something happens that brings it to the forefront, I believe that you will just snap into caretaker mode, just like you did when Bert got sick. (*Aww, Bert*)
I'm praying for you - try to take advantage of the inevitable moments of clarity about your relationship and why it affects you the way it does to try to start taking the steps to heal by asking forgiveness where it's needed, and granting forgiveness where it's needed. You're much stronger than you realize.
Thanks guys. :*)
Love you lots
(*Awww, Bert*)
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